The words “elite” and “Strauchanie” sit together, like “Mike Tyson” and “role-model.” Bryan Strauchan, self-proclaimed “superstar”, has overcome a debilitating “peanut analogy” to become – what he is today: an immovable Collingwood fixture who is only a few dozen tragic, career-ending injuries away from a spot on the team whyteboard, and from there…who knows? Depends who’s controlling the texta – and how many team-mates’ fingers Strauchanie can break with his famous “Strauchan-pedo.”

Dining out on potential and yum cha has become Strauchanie’s trademark since the start of his tenure at Collingwood, and, though he hasn’t cracked it for a game yet, his impact is unquestioned. On the list of players never to have played at all, Strauchanie’s easily in Collingwood’s Top Ten – his entry into the Who’s That? of Australian society has been meteoric. Strauchanie’s new DVD, ‘Pure BS’, chronicles the journey of a man who started at the bottom, and is still there at the time of writing. Strauchanie might be a big boy, but don’t be fooled! As Robert Drane found, there’s less to him than meets the eye.

How did you become elite?

My mum was born in China, and dad was born in Horsham. So, what Strauchanie gets out of that is the acrobatic nimbleness of the martial arts Ninja, and the bloke who’s prepared to drop you like a meathook when you’re not looking. That’s dad’s side. So, put it together, it’s a pretty lethal combination.

You obviously came from good football stock. Did you get those genes from your mum or your dad?

There’s rumours going around Horsham that Strauchanie was actually born at a swinger’s party, and seen at that party was one Ronald Dale Barrassi, so…join the dots? Know what I’m saying? I don’t want to say too much. I mean, you’ve seen Strauchanie play. You’ve seen Barrassi play. Well…you know.

You’ve become almost as unstoppable as a media presence as you are as a player – a hard man to dispose of.  To what do you attribute this amazing survival?

A willingness to never say no. I never, ever say no. Mick says “you wanna leave the track?” and I find another way to get off the track without saying “no”. I’ll say, “I should really hit the showers. I’ve got to visit sick kids in hospital.” Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. It’s a good one though, ‘cause he can’t argue against it. Take a brave man to say, “Strauchanie, you’re not visiting sick kids in hospital.” He doesn’t need to know I’m not actually doing that. Keep that between us.

You’re a no-BS sort of bloke – what do you think of these other so-called media experts who have never played the game?

It gets my goat. I don’t actually have a goat, but…I hear Robert Walls and Gerard Healy and Rex Hunt talk about the game and I think, “Guys, you’ve never played the game, so why would you be commenting? Get yourselves a paper round. Step aside. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” It’s one thing to watch. It’s another thing to actually play the game, that’s what I’m saying.

Fair enough, too. The fans have been overwhelmed by your presence ever since you were drafted by the Magpies…

They have, haven’t they? Notice that? Been amazing.

…How do you handle being treated so much differently by the fans from the way other players are treated?

Yeah I say to Bucks all the time, I say “Bucks! Don’t try so hard, okay? You’re coming across as a bit desperate. A bit clingy. People don’t like that. They don’t respond to that. Too needy. Just relax. Be yourself. If you can’t be yourself, be like Strauchanie.” I say to Brodie Holland, “Brodie, Strauchanie didn’t go on Dancing with the Stars and he’s twice as popular as you are.” How does that work? Good answer. Good question.

Blokes like Bucks would love just a little bit of the sort of attention you get. Do you get much jealousy from other players?

Well, Strauchanie does all right with the ladies, I’ll say that. Yum Cha! All good. They get intimidated, that’s what I find. They get so intimidated by Strauchanie that sometimes they have team meetings behind his back. It’s ridiculous. You know, sometimes they have dinner parties and they won’t invite Strauchanie. ‘Cause they’re intimidated. At training, doing circle work, sometimes they won’t pass it to me.

So, if it’s an away game, they’ll tell you they’re playing at home, that sort of thing?

Yeah. Last year on Mad Monday, they sent me to the wrong pub. Intimidated. I respect that, but…you know.

Let’s talk about the “natural” kind of footballer, like yourself, Phil Carman, Blighty, Jarman, Van der Haar, maybe Tarrant. Do you think your kind of footballer is disadvantaged these days with all this obsession with fitness, health, consistency, skill…?

Yeah, I’ll go with Tarrant. I think you made the other names up, but, yeah. Sometimes they say, “Strauchanie, you’re not fit enough. Gotta get fit.” But I’m an amnesiac bulimic. This is a proven medical fact. I stuff my face full of food and then I forget to throw it up. I have gotten onto traveller pies now, so when Strauchanie’s having a pie, he’s always moving. I know pies aren’t good for you, but, you know, the Strauchanie cholesterol, because I’m eating and travelling, it breaks it down and I break even. That’s the way Strauchanie looks at it.

You’re an outside-the-square sort of bloke –

Absolutely. The squares over here, right, and I’m way over here standing outside Mick’s office.

Your…body type. Do you think the positions you’ve been playing suit it?

The ladies don’t complain! Strauchaneeee – high five! Yum Cha, yeah!

At some stage, Inside Sport might want to catch up with you and profile an entire week of your training regime for our regular ‘Training Day’ feature. Now, a week’s a long time in the fitness regime of Strauchanie. You pack a lot in. But is there anything in that routine that’s unique to you? Something that other elite footballers might benefit from?

I spend a lot of time on the Playstation. Grand Theft Auto mainly. I have a bit of osteitis thumbus. I’m not very good on this thumb. You go to shake my hand, see, and I pull it back. That’s a really funny joke that Strauchanie does, but in fact I’m protecting the osteitis thumbus. Always walk to the buffet at Smorgies. Never say to anyone, oh, you know, “Licca, you going up to the buffet? Bring us back a plate of ice-cream and a salad. If you can’t fit the salad on, I’ll just have the ice-cream.” You go do it yourself. You’d be surprised what a difference that makes.

Let’s talk about your footy. On field, you’re apparently really good at those totally invisible “one-percenters” that they don’t even keep statistics for. I think even those with a trained eye would need some enlightenment. Could you run us through a few of those little tricks – the ones you can talk about.

I think the one-percenters are over-rated. Do supporters come to the football to see a bloke chase another bloke? No they don’t. That’s a one-percenter. Okay? Strauchanie’s thinking is, instead of doing one hundred one-percenters, why not just do one big one-hundred percenter? Could be a goal from the boundary. Snap over the head. Spekky on somebody’s shoulders then maybe kick a goal. Over your head. All in one move. Get rid of these one-percenters and I think football might become a little more exciting.

I’ve tried to do a bit of slo-mo analysis of the Strauchan-pedo…

Haven’t worked it out, have you?

…the secret ingredient just eludes me. What can you tell us about the kick you’ve made famous? 

Can’t say too much, but the Strauchan-pedo is a torpedo that I deliberately shank. It’s designed to break opposition fingers. The ‘Pies know that when Strauchanie gets onto a Strauchan-pedo, don’t ever try to mark it, because you’ll break your fingers. That’s why Dale Thomas is out at the moment. He hasn’t done his shoulder. He got cocky. Young bloke. Got cocky. You know, “I’m going to be a NAB Rising Star, I’m gunna mark the ‘pedo.” Broke his fingers. Both hands.

What about that look-away handball? You probably don’t even know what I’m talking about. You do it practically without thinking.

I do most things look away now. Gets me into trouble in the three-quarter time huddle. Mick’s talking to me, and I’m just, you know…he goes, “Strauchanie, you’re not listening”, but I’m doing the look away listen. See, you ask me the next question.

Er, OK. Your game has been described as mental… Strauchanie? You with me?

(looking around the room) Strauchaneee!

Okay, focus Strauchanie.  Your game has been described as mental. “The Strauchanie game is a mental game”, I’ve heard them say.

Extremely mental. Two words. Extreme-mental. We should change the name of the DVD from ‘Pure BS’ to ‘Extreme Mental.’ Next one maybe.

Walk us around that maze that is Strauchanie’s mind.

You probably don’t want to know. It’s like the bloody matrix up here. Honestly. And I didn’t even understand the film, The Matrix, so you can understand how complicated it is for me. I’m probably on about three or four Nurofens a day, just to keep me up. It’s not easy. It’s a Bermuda triangle of ideas that Stephen bloody Hawking would be proud of.

Now, diet…run us through the unique eating regime you have to maintain that playing edge. How did you develop your eating routine?

I was raised mainly on wontons, because of mum’s Chinese background. Spring rolls. A lot of yum cha. Listen. If you can’t fry it, Strauchanie won’t eat it. It’s as simple as that. Okay? That’s why you’ve got to respect the Scottish. The Scottish have found a way to fry everything. Mars bar, fry it. Ice-cream, fry it. You’ve got to respect that kind of ingenuity. People say, “Have a salad.” Can you fry it? No. Don’t want it.

You have one very important and obvious similarity with Dean Rioli.

Skill? I mean…what are you getting at?

I’m talking about selection dramas, of course. Do they ever get to you?

They do. I mean, I’m starting to feel like Yasmin. When’s Strauchanie going to wear the white dress and walk down the aisle? Not literally, obviously, but if that’s what it takes, maybe for the end-of-season review, I’ll do it, ‘cause Strauchanie’s always up for a laugh. He’s the comedian of the group, there’s no doubt about that. Every Friday I pick up the Herald-Sun and Strauchanie’s name is not there, and I get phone calls from people saying, “Strauchanie, why aren’t you getting a game?”, and I’m like, “Yeah, I know I know I know.” I sometimes play a trick where I come down the club and I get the team board and just cross out Alan Didak’s name and put “Strauchanie”, and they’ve picked it up every time. But listen! It’ll work out for itself. I like the idea of keeping Strauchanie fresh. When we think we can win a Grand Final, that’s when Strauchanie’s going to play. People go on about Didak, how he might be All-Australian this year. He is a good honest workhorse. Okay? Moonlights as a showpony. Okay? Strauchanie is a workhorse. He works bloody hard. But he’s also got the silky skills. He can kick goals from the boundary, and the fans love him. And he’s got the movie-star good looks.

Do you think people judge you according to clichéd standards, like that old chestnut – whether you’ve actually played a senior game?

Oh yeah, that. If you judged people by whether they’ve played the game or not, then Lee Walker would be the greatest ever. Played three or four games, you know? Seven re-co’s in three games. Is that exciting to watch? I don’t think so. So if you’re going to judge on whether you’ve got a game, then no, Strauchanie’s not the greatest of all time. But if you judge on potential and good looks, and the skills and the ability to boost the club and the morale of the club, then Strauchanie, he’s already up there with the Bobby Skiltons.

Both you and Bucks have a lot in common. You’ll both do practically anything to get the career to the next level. Are there any crucial differences, though?

Bucks has got the best out of the talent he was given, okay? He’s worked really hard, and good on him for that. I just still don’t think he’s taken football seriously enough. If he dedicated a bit more of his life to football…I mean, I know he’s won a Brownlow, and you know, he’s won a Norm Smith, and some Copelands. But…when you weigh it up in the end, it…it doesn’t get you a free meal down at Smorgies.

There’s something in that for all of us. You’ve met many famous people. How do you think it felt for them to meet you?

Pretty intimidating. I spoke to Gaelan, off Big Brother. I mean, there’s no bigger name than Gaelan. Even he was nervous meeting me. I’m thinking, if Gaelan’s nervous meeting me, geez, imagine the mere mortals, like the twenty-two blokes who run out for the Collingwood Football Club. They must be petrified. They see the cameras. They know that I’ve got Jackie-O’s number in my phone. You know…I’m supposed to get rid of it, with this restraining order thing, won’t get into that, but I could have her on the phone if I wanted to. You met Gaelan? He’d probably be more chatty with you. He clamped up with me. Mind you, I was looking at Krystal’s tits at the time…

Published in Inside Sport, September, 2006