Pet Lifestyle magazine, for which I was editor, chief contributor and bottle washer, demanded that I walk a fine line. Though the subject-matter often begged for satirical treatment, the magazine didn’t have that kind of readership – and besides, it made the publisher uneasy. Still, I figured the last thing the pet world needed was a po-faced pet magazine. An article about the curious pet paraphernalia, panaceas, programs and prophylactics currently on offer required irony on some level, if not the sarcasm of a straight-faced send-up. On deadline day, having failed to secure some of the interviewees I needed for the piece I had in mind, this was the best I could come up with.

The postmodern pet

“Hellllo! I’m Dior, an exquisite apricot toy poodle, and this Saturday, we celebrate the birthday of my Maltese friend, Jeffrey, with a big society bash. Jeffrey lives in Vaucluse, with a marvellous view of the harbour, and it goes without saying that I can’t go along empty-pawed! I’m taking my companion person – Mrs Jones to you – shopping for presents via the wonderful internet.

Hmmm, let’s see. What to buy the dog who has everything? A little doggy lamp to go beside Jeffrey’s leather bed? Perhaps a sexy sweatshirt for those steamy sessions in his home pet gym. A fetching terry-towelling robe to don when he emerges, all dripping-wet, from his Hydro Haven dog bath?  What about the latest in formal wear? This looks good – a nice, sunny dog and bone necktie. Comes with its own collar. Oh, yes! Sexy Beast cologne – he needs a bottle or ten!

Oh, what the heck! Let’s talk about meee, pets! Just for a minute! I’m excited! You should see what I’ve got in store for the big night!

I’ll be the envy of all my friends – and enemies – from the moment I stroll in, hand over my silk-lined coat (with the sleek and accessible Velcro closures) at the door, and reveal my little backless evening number and rhinestone-studded collar. Nothing tacky about this turn, after all!

Mrs Jones has been doing her research, and I know what Ruby Blush, the standard poodle, is wearing. She’s named after a grapefruit, you know, though she’s more like a lemon these days – half the size but still bitter (Oooh! Did I say that?). And still trying to convince us that it wasn’t liposuction! Puhlease! I know the vet surgeon personally! Anyway, Blush so desperately wants a little attention from Jeffrey, she’s almost certain to turn up in some tiny tutu party dress, or skimpy pink-laced floral baby doll outfit. Exhibitionist! She’s leggier than I, but nowhere near as cute.

How hilllllarious it would be if she wound up cornered by Brett, the boxer (he’s from out west, you know)! She hates it when he slobbers on her – although I must admit in this day and age, honestly, is there any excuse for those wrinkles? I think not. Maybe I should just discreetly hand him doctor Hackenbush’s card. And those fake dangly bits from that Brazilian surgeon! Seriously! Who’s he fooling? It’s not like we don’t know he’s been neutered! I mean, why doesn’t he just get himself a nice pair of beige slacks? They’re so…affordable at Pet Supermarket. After all, beige is the reige, dwaarlings – if you’re a bogan! He, he! Weeeell, I’m sorry, but after all, what’s a working dog doing at a socialite party? Especially a mutt so tasteless! He honestly thought that that “Bitches have more fun” harness he got me for my birthday bash was side-splitting. Anyway, he should give Ruby Blush a big, wide berth if he knows what’s good for him. Her therapist says that with her agoraphobia, she shouldn’t even be allowed out!

Jeffrey has put me in charge of activities, and – shhh! – I’ve got a Dog Party Plan company to do everything down to the invitations, the cake, the hats and even the place mats. One stop shop! And I’ve decided we need games. Interaction, dwaaalings! This is how the bold and the beautiful unwind, you see! Let’s have a look here. Dog Wash Café should take care of that. One of their specialties is turning dog obedience techniques into fun games. After all, there has to be some decorum at these doggie doos, or everyone could wind up an absolute disgrace after one or two Power-Pooch Smoothies.

Now, once the party is underway, everyone has to eat. And I’ve organised only the best: Isaboo’s bacon-cheese-barley burgers. Why, this could get waaay out of hand! One can only wish…

Now, for the stayers next morning. A dog’s breakfast? Can do! Let’s see…Google “pet caterers” and…voila!

Hmmm, I wonder if Sophia will turn up after all. Surely not. How could anybody glam up for a party sporting those embarrassing jowls? That wouldn’t be on, and being a Neapolitan mastiff is no excuse – and she knows it! She’ll be at home cowering inside her fluffy pink mansionette, poor thing. What is she thinking? I can’t understand why any self-respecting pooch these days should grow old gracefully. Why, if it’s not good enough for companion people, like Mrs Jones, why should we stand for it?! Anyway…”

*

Hmph! A talking dog! Whoever heard of such a thing? So…where was I? Ah yes. Your parrot! Does it require elocution lessons? Does your turtle need to overcome its fear of water? Could your Chow do with an eye lift? Perhaps your Siamese should have those disturbing dreams analysed. There’s a product or service out there for your pet, and you won’t have any trouble finding it. Have you ever considered Shiatsu and Reiki for your reptilian friend? Ted Tinker’s Totally Turtles will point you in the right direction. Looking for a good finishing school for your feline? Try Miss Sherry’s. Familiarise your indoor cat with nature with a fake tree. A root canal for your ferret? Easy. August is Pet Dentistry month, and, as Dior might say, it’s huge! And if your neutered bull, cat, horse or dog has a need to look more masculine and avoid the ridicule of its peers, Neuticles are just what the doctor ordered! Nothing like a set of fake testicles to boost a bloke’s self-esteem.

As the “pet industry” continues to grow apace, demand for products and services such as pet health spas, pet insurance, pet fashion, gourmet pet food, progressive pet training and pet plastic surgery seem to be increasing exponentially.

Any innovation, if it hasn’t been seen before, seems bizarre to a newcomer. Take pet resorts, for instance. At first they seemed a ludicrous indulgence, but today, we expect pets to be treated in the manner to which they’re accustomed as we travel around.

But are we pampering our pets too much? According to PETstock’s vet Dr Rod Sharpin, we are. “A lot of it’s harmless, but it’s been shown to create anxieties in dogs. Separation anxiety is one of the most common things we see now. They can even severely injure themselves trying to get out of a yard.” For too many people, pets are substitute children – and even children shouldn’t be pampered as much. In fact, pets are, according to University of Lancashire psychologist John Archer, as good at manipulating our emotions to get what they want as children are, and therefore just as capable of being “spoiled.” Because they read our behaviour so well and display a range of emotions we recognize as human, we treat them as we would a human – even better in many cases, because they show such fidelity and don’t speak! But such treatment doesn’t necessarily do them any good.

Richard Avanzino, author of a paper published on PETNET. Com.au, writes “55% of American pet owners rejected both the term ‘pet’ and the term ‘owner’. Instead they prefer to think of themselves as parents and their animals as surrogate children.”

Do we know whether the little treats we give our pets are what they want, or are they just what we want? Some forms of “elective” surgery, like facelifts and liposuction, are necessary for an animal’s health. But, increasingly, pet owners are paying for cosmetic surgery purely for “aesthetic” reasons. People actually want a pug but not a wrinkled pug; an English mastiff without jowls. A Doberman with shorter ears.

In West Hollywood, “aesthetic” pet surgery was epidemic a few years ago. The mayor tried to have the procedures totally banned. Legitimate reasons for surgery relate to the health of the pet. Some cats, for example, become morbidly obese, and many of the “wrinkled” variety of dog get infections. Pugs, bulldogs and Bostons are frequently candidates for nose jobs to alleviate breathing problems. Procedures like tail and ear docking, declawing and debarking, have served a purpose. But unfortunately, too many pet owners decided the hanging lips and sagging jowls that characterize a species were no longer de rigueur. Some agreed notion of beauty, or symmetry, took hold and the trend was to make companion animals conform to it, as we try to do with people.

Says Dr Sharpin, “Facelifts and liposuction put the animal through pain and suffering – remember they don’t know and understand why this is happening, they just feel pain!”

“Pets are no longer considered property, but family members,” says Dr. Alan Schulman, orthopaedic veterinary surgeon at the Animal Medical Centre of Southern California. “With the evolution of this emotional bond, people with a discretionary income are taking advantage of technology and veterinary expertise to give their animals medically indicated reconstructive surgery resulting in a better quality of life.”

But humanising our pets actually has an effect no-one foresaw: this behaviour tips over into its opposite. We “humanise” them so much that they end up becoming little more than fashion accessories. Much of the surgery is not always about better quality of life for the pet! We want them to conform to an ideal we have, and the pet doesn’t have a say in it.

But according to Avanzino, humanising our pets is not entirely a bad thing. “It’s nothing new. George Washington named his favourite dogs ‘Truelove’ and ‘Sweetlips’. Dickens or Trollope [wrote] endless scenes of Victorian heroines gushing over their lapdogs. But I believe the current trend is different. Instead of anthropomorphising our pets as the Victorians did, turning them into ersatz humans, we are learning to appreciate their animal natures. We are starting to value them for what they can teach us.”

So, what does a nipped and tucked mutt teach us? Do we need psychologists to help our cat deal with separation anxiety, or are we inadvertently causing these problems by giving animals the people treatment?

Dr Sharpin believes so. “The attachments of some people with their pets do stretch the limits. Dogs are pack animals and need a hierarchy and dominant leader, which should be you! Once dogs become the boss of you, they can develop a dominance aggression and become a little dangerous. I’m sorry, but sleeping in bed with your dog is a no-no!”

Even Dr Shulman is cautious. “Unless there is a real medical reason for touch-up work, I won’t proceed,” says this vet to the stars. “People project certain things on their pets. I think the money would be better spent if the person who wanted these implants [for their pet] went to therapy.”

Pet couture, pet therapy, pet “elective” surgery – all these trends are not inherently wrong. But sometimes, the closer we get to our pets, the less we understand them as animals. When we project our own obsessions onto them, we don’t pamper them at all. If we want our dogs to remain “man’s best friend”, we need to ensure we remain theirs!

More curious pet products and services:

Hula Hound Hawaiian products for dogs

Designer colognes

Aromatherapy candles

Holiday pet costumes

Shareable treats for both human and pet consumption

Dog bakeries

Anastasia hat and stole sets

Bow-lingual dog bark translators

Dog Halloween costumes, including “Dogzilla”, bat wings and devil horns

Back-to-School back packs for dogs

Published in Pet Lifestyle, June, 2008